December 2008
12 posts
confessionizer:
I fucking stole her underwear from her hamper, man. Stole it.
confessionizer:
For the past few weeks my farts have smelled exclusively like sulfur. This has turned what was once a source of amusement into a vehicle for sadness and shame. Ok, I lied. It’s still pretty funny.
confessionizer:
When you crouched to put the tape in the VCR, your pants moved enough that I could see your panties. I was totally staring at your butt crack and didn’t hear a word you said.
confessionizer:
You said I was a bad kisser. I didn’t have the heart to tell you that it was because your breath was so bad that I thought you may have eaten a log of shit.
confessionizer:
Oh, and another thing. Even though your breath smelled like a sewer, I’d like to thank you for all the handjobs during work.
confessionizer:
Hey there, girl I work with. Just wanted to let you know that in the course of one work day I have roughly a thousand sex fantasies about you. Also, could you please pick up the pencil I just dropped?
confessionizer:
I like you, but I can’t be around you because for some reason you give me really bad gas. Seriously. I don’t fart that often, but around you it’s like I’m trying to power a hot air balloon.
confessionizer:
I just wanted to say that Confessionizer is a fantastic tool. It’s been really therapeutic for me to get some things off my chest on here from time to time. Kudos!
Also, yesterday I killed a guy.
confessionizer:
When we hugged, you asked me why I felt so distant. I should’ve just told you the truth; you gave me a raging boner and I was afraid it might impale your leg.
confessionizer:
Oftentimes when I take a crap, I find myself looking into the toilet thinking, “I wish my penis was that big. Cleaner, obviously. But, definitely that big.”
I can’t be the only one, can I
confessionizer:
A relationship would never work between us. You’re not my type, not very smart, not all that interesting. But every time I see you, I can’t help but think: I’d eat a three course meal out of your ass.
confessionizer:
When I was younger, I passed up several opportunities for sex with pretty girls that I liked a lot. I’m not saying that to brag. I want to go back in time and beat the shit out of myself.